I found this on facebook...It's been over a year since this was written, and it seems like it could have been written yesterday... >.> I wish things would have changed more.
So as I have started to transition into a new phase of life, I realize that there is a lot that I have ignored.
I have ignored my past, my present, and my possible future. I have ignored both myself, and those around me, creating walls of deception and lies. What I am left with is fear of many things, some rational, many irrational. For reasons unknown to me I have pushed reality beyond my grasp, and have only now came to the realization of what my mistakes may have cost me.
I have often viewed my life through a malfunctioning projector, but at the time, I did not know of its ills. When I finally looked back with a healthy one, I see a very different life than I believed I had led. I do not know why I never realized what I had seen was not as it was, nor do I know why it changed, and gained clarity, but I do know that I wish I had know what I know now, then.
There is much that I regret about who I was, and even who I am. But I cannot change the past, and do not know how to change the present. Might I learn how to manipulate myself-and fill in the gaps that reside in my personality- perhaps I could even lead a normal life.
I was a monster in my childhood. Violent, manipulative, and unforgiving. This of course is not how I remember myself, but as how others remember me. Within the pages my report cards, and letters home teachers wrote of how I was academically slow, anti-social, and unaware of human emotion. I have often wondered how they came to the conclusion that I was unaware of emotion, as it seems to me that emotions were the only thing that I was aware of.
But even as I remind myself the past is indeed the past, my stomach falls with the realization that the present is no better. My social skills are nil, I have high anxiety in social situations, I have no friends, no family who understand who I am, or who would even accept me if they did understand. I have no skills, no job because I am unmotivated, socially awkward, and have anxiety issues. I have a deep fear that I won't be able to overcome these issues and move on, and I fear that I will become a lowlife, a parasite, living off others. I would rather be dead than a parasite. But of all the fears I have in life, the fear of falling into the background is the worst. To be forgotten by everyone, alone, lost, floating around in the nothingness- that fear is the one that rips my heart out, and stomps on it repeatedly until I can no longer breathe.
With fear also comes dreams, and aspirations. The paths I wish to take in life are many. To have a family, two children, perhaps a spouse. A small home on a plot of land with plenty of space for a garden, maybe a cat, or a dog. Or no children, just to live and work helping others, in Asia, South America or Africa. Or a social worker, or other jobs working with people. I have so many dreams, but with all, there is a need to first repair what is broken. To fix the path within me that keeps me uncertain, awkward, and anxious. But I can't figure out how to fix it. I'm lost and alone, and my fears are coming to life, and I have no idea what to do.
When I annoy you, or apologize profusely, or can't let something go, it isn't because I don't want to, and it isn't that I haven't tried, and I know that it isn't your fault, and that I shouldn't drag you into anything, and I really do try not to, but I'm working on fixing this. I just don't understand how yet, and it's taking more time than expected. I hope that once I figure everything out you can forgive me, because even though I was an ass, and destroyed our relationship, and maybe even other relationships you had, I didn't mean to. Out of everything that I ever said to you, most of it was probably true. But when I couldn't fix what was wrong with me, and you finally had enough, I only said what I said because it hurt so bad that I had pushed everyone I loved away- and I knew that if it was goodbye, we would never be the same again. When I harassed you, it was because I wanted someone to harass me back, to tell me what I really was. I am sorry for that. If I ever messed up your life, I'm sorry, and I miss you, and wish you understood how hard it was for me to try and let everyone go. I knew I was the broken one, I still do, I just didn't want to admit it
No comments:
Post a Comment