Hm.

I had an entirely uneventful day.
But I feel normal today.
Talking with Daniel was nice last night.
He suggested stopping by to see me on the way to his bf house.
I hope he does.
:)
Also,
I think talking to some great people lately have made me feel more alive.
Even though I still feel depressed,
I feel like I want to be happy.
I didn't have that for awhile.

Old Rant

I found this on facebook...It's been over a year since this was written, and it seems like it could have been written yesterday... >.> I wish things would have changed more.



So as I have started to transition into a new phase of life, I realize that there is a lot that I have ignored.
I have ignored my past, my present, and my possible future. I have ignored both myself, and those around me, creating walls of deception and lies. What I am left with is fear of many things, some rational, many irrational. For reasons unknown to me I have pushed reality beyond my grasp, and have only now came to the realization of what my mistakes may have cost me.

I have often viewed my life through a malfunctioning projector, but at the time, I did not know of its ills. When I finally looked back with a healthy one, I see a very different life than I believed I had led. I do not know why I never realized what I had seen was not as it was, nor do I know why it changed, and gained clarity, but I do know that I wish I had know what I know now, then.

There is much that I regret about who I was, and even who I am. But I cannot change the past, and do not know how to change the present. Might I learn how to manipulate myself-and fill in the gaps that reside in my personality- perhaps I could even lead a normal life.

I was a monster in my childhood. Violent, manipulative, and unforgiving. This of course is not how I remember myself, but as how others remember me. Within the pages my report cards, and letters home teachers wrote of how I was academically slow, anti-social, and unaware of human emotion. I have often wondered how they came to the conclusion that I was unaware of emotion, as it seems to me that emotions were the only thing that I was aware of.

But even as I remind myself the past is indeed the past, my stomach falls with the realization that the present is no better. My social skills are nil, I have high anxiety in social situations, I have no friends, no family who understand who I am, or who would even accept me if they did understand. I have no skills, no job because I am unmotivated, socially awkward, and have anxiety issues. I have a deep fear that I won't be able to overcome these issues and move on, and I fear that I will become a lowlife, a parasite, living off others. I would rather be dead than a parasite. But of all the fears I have in life, the fear of falling into the background is the worst. To be forgotten by everyone, alone, lost, floating around in the nothingness- that fear is the one that rips my heart out, and stomps on it repeatedly until I can no longer breathe.

With fear also comes dreams, and aspirations. The paths I wish to take in life are many. To have a family, two children, perhaps a spouse. A small home on a plot of land with plenty of space for a garden, maybe a cat, or a dog. Or no children, just to live and work helping others, in Asia, South America or Africa. Or a social worker, or other jobs working with people. I have so many dreams, but with all, there is a need to first repair what is broken. To fix the path within me that keeps me uncertain, awkward, and anxious. But I can't figure out how to fix it. I'm lost and alone, and my fears are coming to life, and I have no idea what to do.

When I annoy you, or apologize profusely, or can't let something go, it isn't because I don't want to, and it isn't that I haven't tried, and I know that it isn't your fault, and that I shouldn't drag you into anything, and I really do try not to, but I'm working on fixing this. I just don't understand how yet, and it's taking more time than expected. I hope that once I figure everything out you can forgive me, because even though I was an ass, and destroyed our relationship, and maybe even other relationships you had, I didn't mean to. Out of everything that I ever said to you, most of it was probably true. But when I couldn't fix what was wrong with me, and you finally had enough, I only said what I said because it hurt so bad that I had pushed everyone I loved away- and I knew that if it was goodbye, we would never be the same again. When I harassed you, it was because I wanted someone to harass me back, to tell me what I really was. I am sorry for that. If I ever messed up your life, I'm sorry, and I miss you, and wish you understood how hard it was for me to try and let everyone go. I knew I was the broken one, I still do, I just didn't want to admit it

I just can't shake this feeling. I'm not sure why.
Sigh.

I know I need to learn to have healthier relationships, but it's really hard.
I just want people to trust me o.o
I'm not even sure why.

Maybe that should be my goal.
Figuring out why I have such a desire to be trusted...
I dunno...

I talked to Daniel last night...
I think I miss him too much.
Well, I miss the idea of him anyway.

He seems to have changed, but I'm not sure.
I wonder if the problem really is me?
Perhaps I need to change...
It would explain all of my failed relationships. >.>

I feel like there are a lot of things I would like to change about myself,
but I have no idea how to go about changing them.
This needy clingy thing?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind it being gone.

The thing is though- Even if I stop being that way-
I think the feelings would still be there.
Doesn't really solve the issue.

What exactly is the issue anyway?

Eh.


Kai and I seem to be spending less and less time together. I knew things would change when I started encouraging her to hang out with Soo, but i never thought it would be this much :|
I guess it's probably healthier for her anyway though.
I'm not the greatest influence.


Also, appearantly I'm INFJ?
I'm still pretty confused :S

I guess I'm confused about everything though, so it isn't that big a deal haha.

At least I have plans this weekend to look forward to.
Plans are always nice.
:)

Bloop.

Things are getting slightly better.

But I guess they always do at some point.
Hopefully I can keep things from being too depressing.
I'm glad summer is here. More time out in the sun to be distracted from myself.

I said something stupid yesterday.
I regret it with every fiber of by being.
But I guess what has been said, has been said...
Sigh.

I wish I wasn't so awkward.


I feel kind of lost in the universe at this point. I guess the feeling isn't as bad as it was before,
but I still feel lost.

Maybe I just need to get over myself?
I guess that's an option.

Things with Daniel are still going really weird.
I'm not sure if we are even talking or if our last attempt at reconciliation
was just because he needed me again...
Just for that brief incident with his bf...

I know it's terrible, but I wish he felt like he needed me more often.
Sigh.
Even though I know he's using me I still care so much about him.
I'm a loser.

I'm going camping soon,
I hope that I can enjoy it with all the family there...
I hope I'll be allowed to set my tent up away from everyone.
Not that I don't want to spend time with the family, or family friends,
but they just don't understand me.

Hopefully there is a river somewhere close by. That would be nice. I know there's a pond somewhere, but that isn't as exciting. :(

I'm getting pretty irritated with my foot. I can't believe it's going to be 2+ years until I am able to use it again...
I feel so helpless.

Blah. I was going to write positive things, and this is what I wrote.
Geez.

This attraction is so strange.
I don't know if i've felt anything like it before.
Well, that's a lie. I felt the same thing with Daniel.
We all know how that turned out...

I wish I had more to say, I feel like with every word I stumble...
I just don't want to seem creepy.

I'm not even sure why I would seem that way.
Sigh.

I worry too much.

I really like talking to this person, they make me feel happy.
Everyday I check to see if I have a message. If I don't I am slightly sad, but I understand why, of course. When I get one I am happy...
Maybe I'm a bit too obsessed at this point?
I only want to talk though.

I think she's afraid that I might be a stalker or something, but I would never do anything like that, 0.0 I just want to talk online. Nothing more.


I feel like a lot of the people I knew have changed.
I guess that's normal at this time in life.
I haven't changed though.
Is something wrong with me?

Sigh. Too many questions, not enough answers.

...

Have you ever wished that you could be someone else?

I'm sure everyone has, but more and more I have started to feel this way.

I used to like who I was, even though I was strange and funny looking, inside I was a good person, with a good heart, and I wanted to do the right things.

Now I don't even know what I believe anymore. Right and wrong confuse me, and I feel like with each passing day, I know less and less about life, and love, and happiness.

Perhaps this is just a symptom of growing up. I hope it isn't, as I would love to feel like I understand something for once.

I wish I had someone I could explain these things to, but when I try I feel guilty, like I should be listening instead of talking. I feel like when they find out what I really think, what I really feel, slowly our friendship will dissolve, and I will be alone again.

I wish childhood could have lasted longer. I used to have the world figured out. It made my soul sing and my heart thump, and I was happy.

I really need to start getting out more >.< I think I am losing myself in a sea of nothingness.

Sigh

I feel empty.

This is what I've been trying so hard to avoid, day after day trying to form bonds and friendships, trying to give myself hope, trying to show me that I have so much to live for.
But no one is here, and these things I tell myself feel fake, lies told to hide the truth.

Even if one could help me feel less empty, to feel human, to feel wanted, or needed or just normal, I would feel guilty that I had dragged them along with me. I would blame myself if they became depressed shortly after, regardless of if it was my fault or not.

I am a black hole. I feel like I need someone, anyone, to help me work through what I feel, but I know as soon as they get close, the feeling will suck them in as well, and we will both be spinning within a world of constant questioning.

What I want to badly is to have someone to talk to, but at the same time, it's exactly what I'm trying to avoid doing. I need someone to connect with me, so I don't feel the shame of reaching out to them. I don't want pity, I just want to be heard.

I wish I could just fly away into another world and ignore my troubles forever.
I feel like a bucket with a hole, no matter how much good I put in, it slowly leaks out.

God, what's wrong with me?